Some comic relief

I love the “great outdoors”. That’s where my car is.

I admire people who can skate in a figure 8. I can’t skate in a figure 1.

I bought more books than I knew what to do with. My wife solved that problem: she suggested that I read them.

I got a fortune cookie with a great fortune in it, but I don’t know where to redeem it.

We decorate some rooms by flinging colorful pillows here and there. It’s a technique called “flung shui”.

I’m not a vegetarian; I eat meat. So, when I meditate, I don’t say “Ommmm…”, I say “Hammmm…”.

My best invention is a “Magic Slate” toy with a crossword puzzle on it. Fill in the puzzle, then–rip!–erase it and start over. It’s for Alzheimer’s patients.

Confucius should have said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single trip to the restroom.”

What does a mime teach his parrot?

I saw a blind dog with a man who could see.

My method for introspection, for understanding myself, is to walk a mile in my own shoes.

I met a woman who said she was a queen in a former life. Big deal; I am the former life of a future king.

Do you like “eskimo kisses”, rubbing noses? I can really get Inuit.

I don’t have an easy chair, but I have one that’s not too difficult.

When I raise my right hand and say, “I swear”, I mean that I curse; I’m not promising anything.

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